words! in a book!

Student: My goal in life is to win the lottery and become a millionaire.
Teacher: Well what a coincidence! That's my goal too. One day, you'll come to school just to find that my door is locked and I won't be the one unlocking it.
Student: Why?
Teacher: Because I will have won millions from the California Lottery and moved somewhere far far away from here. I'm sure you'd all be delighted. Which is why you should all buy me some lotto tickets.

Student: Were you ever shot at when you went to Iraq?
Teacher: Yes I have been, multiple times actually.
Student: Did you die?
Teacher: Yes I did, that's why I'm standing here teaching you guys about the Great Depression.

Student: How are goldfishes made?
Teacher: Well, only God can make goldfish. You see he takes a mommy goldfish and a daddy goldfish and when somebody puts them into the tank together they make baby goldfish.
Student: I know that, I meant the goldfish you eat!
Teacher: Oh, they have machines for that.

Teacher: You should buy yourself some barrettes to clip up your hair.
Male Student: Fishnets?
Teacher: No, barrettes. 
Male Student: What's that?
Teacher: The things girls have in their hair?
Male Student: Oh.
Teacher: But you know, whatever floats your boat. Who knows what you wear underneath those baggy pants of yours.

Student: This book is boring.
Teacher: Have you read it before?
Student: No, but the cover is boring.
Teacher: Ah but you know that old saying about appearances, you can't judge a book by it's cover. It applies to books as well as people. 
Student: ...
Teacher: Take me as an example. When you first saw me you probably thought "boring old white guy". Now that you've gotten to know me, you know that I am old, a guy, and Caucasian but I am certainly not boring.
Students: Riiiggghtttt.

You know, the thing I like most about singing valentines is the fact that they aren’t at all embarrassing.

“

—

Teacher

Student: There are so many words in this book!

Teacher: Words! In a book! What a novel idea! Thank you for enlightening us with your astute observations.

Class, I’d like to introduce you to our shiny new electric pencil sharpener. I took it out for a test drive yesterday and this baby sharpened so fast I almost got pulled over for speeding. How about a live demonstration?!

“

—

Teacher

Teacher: I have the best excuse for not correcting your personal narratives over the weekend.
Students: Let's hear it.
Teacher: On a bright and early Saturday morning, I was polishing my glasses in preparation for a marathon grading session when the lens popped out of the frame. I didn't have an extra pair and I couldn't see anything for the rest of the weekend.
Student: Were you drunk when you broke your glasses?
Teacher: Yes I was drunk on Saturday morning right before I was going to grade your papers. 
Student: Really?!
Teacher: No! But thanks for the idea, I might just do that. It'd make grading a lot less painful that's for sure.

Teacher: Today we will be going to the library to do some research. I expect that everybody will check out at least one book.
Student: A book?
Teacher: Yes. A book. They're those stacks of paper stuck in between two really thick pieces of paper? You might have heard of them back when you were in elementary school.
Student: I'm not stupid, I know what a book is.
Teacher: Yeah well I just wanted to refresh your memory since it seems like its been a while since you've last seen one.